First I feel I should clear the air. I haven't posted much on your blog. I feel guilty about it. There are good reasons I have not taken the time to write out my heart for you or show you the darling photos I take of you.
The first reason is that I am busy. I haven't ever had to juggle so many relationships or responsibilities. When I am not busy doing boring life things, I want to be WITH you and your sibs and not writing for you. So I cuddle, play, read, and sing to you. I study you while you sleep. I pray for you.
The other reason I sometimes avoid writing here is because I fear it will seem like I love you above the others and it could cause conflict. You are a darling baby. You are so beautiful. I love you so much I feel like laughing Nd crying both when I think of you. If I write about how awesome you are and how perfect your features are and how you are carefully observing your world with the thoughtfulness I imagine your superior intellect to possess... Well, I imagine you will think you are the favorite.
Sometimes you are an easy favorite - you cannot be sassy or destructive or insensitive. You don't know how to hurt or be lazy. You love to be held and respond to me so favorably.
And perhaps I do love you better. I like being a mom more this year than in any other previous years. The other kids and pregnancies made me appreciate you more and taught me how to experience and express love. I think I can love you more easily.
And you are just so loveable.
You do have some grumpy:fussy times and I associate them with digestive discomfort. And with being hauled around an expected to match a too old a kid schedule. You go places at times of the day when you should be napping peacefully. I try to split our days with what's optimal for you vs. what's optimal for the whole family, and it's tough.
You wake to nurse once through the night, and that is kind of rough for me. I feed you at 11 pm and again around 4 AM, 7,10:30, 1, 430, and 7. You rarely need a bottle because we are always together.
You spend a lot f one on your back on a floor blanket. I have researched and found that tummy time, a popular Thing, is not developmentally correct for your body and thus I do not do it. I also don't do bumbo chair or other things that are unnatural for physical development. I am really into child development theories an research. I usually fuss too much over you, you'll find.
You really like touching and grasping fabric, more than my other babies. You often hold your own shirt and usually hold my shirt when I hold you. You have a tight grip. You pinch and flop blankets in your lap and reach for nearby objects that are fabric.
This mont you started chewing our fingers. You do not suck your thumb, but a pacifier does chill you out and signal nap for you.
You nap in our room aka our enormous walk on closet. You have a crib and a rock n play sleeper and a nursing lounge chair in there. Plus your parents' wardrobe and a dresser in there. Others might think its inappropriate to sleep a baby in a closet, but we think its a good use of space. It's ventilated and quite cool. No window light, so it's good for day naps. There's electricity for your night light lamp and a sound machine. It's one of my favorite places in the whole new house because of the solitude.
Ben, as you grow up I hope you will feel both a part of our team and enjoy our family. I also hope you will feel special and that we appreciate you for you. Your baby experience is different than with out other kids in some respects. We are confident with you and we have a basic game plan figured out on how to raise you. We can also anticipate milestones and challenges. I hope you don't feel like we aren't appreciating you as much since its not the same mysterious adventure as with the over two. I might enjoy you as a baby more because I don't worry much with you.
I am so happy you were born, Ben, and that God trusted me with your care. You are one of my greatest gifts and have brought me closer to to Lord.
Thank you sweet boy for how you have cemented our family together.
Love
Mama bethany
No comments:
Post a Comment